Early Millennials And Our 90s Nostalgia: The Pangs And Lessons Of Getting Older
My business partner and I couldn't get in touch with our billionaire investor a few months ago. A fund he co-created, which invested in us (and several others), had been making an exploratory play in our region — it recently got shut down and so was our indirect link with him. It's complicated and I can't get into it. To say that I've been contemplating ditching my trusty chamomile tea for Xanax would be an understatement of epic proportions. Fortunately, the mebeverine prescription has done wonders for my IBS. Yes, that IBS. The constant and unbearable abdominal pain is pretty much gone. We millennials thought this adulting thing was going to be a walk in the park, didn't we? Our parents overprotected us. They really overprotected us. Over the years, I've learned to make a lot of peace with how they approached parenting. I understand now that they will always overprotect us because they were under-protected. In a weird way, this is my small imprimatur to them as a generation — my personal head-nod for a job well done.
I've learned a lot over the past twenty years. Unfortunately, I do not have a time machine to tell my teenage self about all the potholes and the false myths. Having a helicopter Mom, like most of us did, has a way of insulating you from the realities of a world that is a lot more complex than you could have possibly imagined. Most of us ended up learning the hard life lessons on the fly when we started living on our own in college — some of these lessons have made us stronger and others have completely destroyed some of us.
I want to talk about some of the painful realities I've discovered and empowering lessons I've learned over the past 20 years. Like most of you reading this, I've experience serious disappointments, most of which are unique to millennials, but the lessons have made me a stronger person — although I sometimes wonder if they've made me a better one.
1. It Never Really Turns Out Like You Expected
Nothing in life ever really turns out like you expected and, in those rare moments when it does, it's always a bit messy. This is probably one of the most painful realities of life — it's almost impossible to get what you really want. In those few instances when you have gotten what you want, it has been so hard and brutal that you've left a complete mess in your wake. Regret plays a huge role in everyone's life.
"What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? "— Nick Dunne, Gone Girl
The romantic in us thought we would end up like Cory and Topanga, living an easy life somewhere. Upper-middle class (at least), content and safe in the knowledge that we are loved unconditionally. Some people do end up like that but it's almost always a painful process involving a lot of growth and compromise. The battle we have to fight every day has to do with being careful that our delayed expectations don't make us resentful and bitter — the real battle is in making sure that by the time we do get what we want, we haven't been transformed into small people.
KEY LESSON: The life of your dreams will take time to build. Be patient.
2. Be bold, break the rules and ask for forgiveness afterwards
Sometimes this advice works out but most of the time, it doesn't. The rules can be bent but breaking them pretty much always ends in disaster.
"All these words I don’t just say, And nothing else matters" — Metallica
In the end, a lot of things matter. Laws matter. Etiquette matters. Rules matter. Unwritten rules matter. It's good to be bold. Most of the the time, some of the biggest advances in life are the result of random moments of boldness. It's also important that you try to bend but not break the rules. If you flagrantly break the rules, society will break you.
KEY LESSON: Rules can be bent if you make sure not to hurt anyone. Breaking them is unwise.
3. The Older You Grow, The Harder It Is To Make New Friends
Some of the closest friends I have are people I met in my late teens because of my love of alternative metal band System Of A Down. Nowadays though, people outside the early millennial cohort think SOAD is a bit weird. We all have these little weird interests that can help us connect with others should we be fortunate enough to be in the right environment while we're still young. By this I mean: we make friends through common behaviors and not common interests.
"I don’t think you trust
In, my, self righteous suicide
I, cry, when angels deserve to die, die "— System Of A Down
Sometimes you need to need to have grown up in a certain time and as part of a certain subculture to understand that time's peculiar zeitgeist. The late 90s was when, despite our optimism, we started questioning fundamental things like family values and our societies' morality. It's easy to connect with people before that transformation from idealism to realism is complete. Afterwards, for most of us, meeting new people becomes a chore. We keep most people at arms length until we're a hundred percent sure about them. This makes making friends when you're older a lot harder but this happens to almost everyone.
KEY LESSON: If you have true friends, honour and cherish them.
4. Life Is Not A Video Game — Most Of The Time, You're Losing
Remember when Crash Bandicoot got released? How about Tomb Raider, Monster Truck Madness, Gran Turismo or Tekken? Unlike in the video games though, you're pretty much always losing in life. Losing or failing is pretty much how you learn. The tragedy though is that this process takes up huge amounts of time and you aren't getting any younger. This is one of the things I wish my Dad would have told me: how painful it is to lose but still have to get up in the morning and keep going.
"Money, possession, obsession
Present yourself, press your clothes, comb your hair
And clock in" — Papa Roach
It isn't giving up or selling out to start doing what we have to do. Most of the time, we have to adapt to and accept our situations quickly. Sometimes that means taking a job that you think is beneath you and in other times that means doing business with people you do not like. There is always some lesson in falling down — it sounds cliche but it's true. Through it all, don't beat yourself up too much.
KEY LESSON: You're not a loser. Be kind to yourself.
5. You Have To Work Really Hard To Get Good At Anything
Nowadays everybody talks about the 10 000 hour rule and the importance of constant practice. We grew up in a time when what was truly valued was raw talent. Narratives and tropes of "whizz kids" peppered our entire existence in the 90s. A lot of us only learned the importance of hard work when we met kids who truly excelled in college — the kind of kids who probably studied a couple of hours a day, every day. That was a culture shock for me. I learned very quickly that if I was to amount to anything in this world, hard and backbreaking work would be my way of life well into my forties. It took me a long time to truly realize how long "talented" guys like Bob Burnquist practiced before they reached the world-stage at the X-Games.
"Peter Petrelli. My name is Hiro Nakamura. I’m from the future."— Hiro, Heroes
The future can be epic, but that greatness will not simply be handed to us. It will require hard work, grit, determination and courage. It's also important to understand that other people want success and greatness as much as you do. You're going to have to compete with those people. Outworking everyone else seems to eventually lead to above-average success in what you do — world-famous success is not a given though. Without hard-work though, nothing really happens in life.
KEY LESSON: Put in the hours. There is no way around it.
6. Everybody gets old. Everybody!
Has the back pain started yet? How about the wrinkles? When I was younger, someone once told me that life is essentially trying your best to make sure you eventually suffer in comfort when your body starts breaking down. For us early millennials, things like constant pain because of a body that is beginning to break down are becoming a way of life. The emotional aspect is even harder — getting older means you now have the emotional tools to deal with whatever pain you have been carrying around inside you all your life. Growth demands that you face those demons.
“She was a grown woman who was kicked around. And she’s been on her own and she had to fight and struggle! “ — Tony Soprano
Everybody gets old. I don't like to use words like "maturity". Immature is what people call you when you will not give them what they want. It's a word typically used to manipulate you. I believe in growth. Getting better, more accepting and less judgemental with every day. Not being afraid of responsibility and commitment. Trying to understand the world and what makes it work. Nothing is more tragic than an old person who refuses to grow up.
KEY LESSON: Grow up. Accept more responsibility. Grow up some more.
7. Read. Read every day. Read all the time.
According to the World Economic Forum, reading increases the prospects of a higher income later in life and even leads to a longer lifespan. Reading isn't exactly what most of us did in our mid-teens. Our general focus was on drinking, getting stoned and getting laid. Our parents tried their best to control and protect us but…hormones.
"My white abode, do you remember my white abode?" — Enter Shikari
Wherever you grew up in the world, a middle class or upper-middle class home is the result of a lot of knowledge accumulated by parents or guardians. Most of that knowledge is found in books and other written material. For a lot of us, the homes we grew up in represent something that is wholesome and solid. We owe that to our children too — they need to grow up somewhere safe and in a strong family. So, by all means, read and accumulate as much knowledge as you can. Keep learning for the rest of your life — that's where all you opportunities are going to come from.
KEY LESSON: Read like your life depends on it; because it does.
Conclusion
The most important lesson is that it the 90s weren't perfect. It was good time to grow up but it wasn't perfect — despite how we remember it. We had Columbine and Enron. We had tension and wars all across the world. While half the world had great memories of the 90s, the other half suffered. For every Dawson's Creek, My Girl, Now and Then and American Pie, there was a New Jersey Drive.
My business partner and I still haven't been able to reach our billionaire investor but we are getting by — barely. We do a lot of contract work. Contract work isn't as glamorous as the actual dream: creating a vibrant online service with millions of users. Contract work involves an inordinate amount of emails. Contract work involves reminding clients to pay you. I'm always tired. Always. I do have some good things going for me though. I have a woman who loves me. We aren't Cory and Topanga yet but we're almost there. I have an amazing business partner — a very smart and honourable man. We are going to do great things together. I have loyal friends. I have a wonderful family — we watch Liverpool play on the weekends together. I have a good life and I appreciate it.
I don't think the 90s nostalgia will ever go away — it's a sweet thing to be a child. Maybe that sweet childhood is what we should all hold on to — maybe that's what will help millennials live up to being the "hero generation" we are destined to become. I still have very high expectations of how my life will turn out and so should you.
Thabo David Klass is a coder and co-founder at Spreebie, creator of PicShip — a productivity app for millennials. PicShip helps you organize your relationships and life with videos and pictures. Download it for FREE by clicking HERE.
